I should be fixed by now

I gave in today…2 times.  I felt fine last night, felt fine this morning..then in just 2 minutes I was off to the races.  Same images are after me again. 

I woke up in the middle of the night with my TV on, with ads for Girls one Wild…and in that moment this morning, I remembered images from those ads. It took me ten minutes of this thinking, remembering, to log onto my unprotected computer, find a site, find an video…watched it and starting masturbating.  Then my sick mind told me, “you already did it, and it wasnt even enjoyable…lets do it right this time.” so I did. 

This is my fault, I know that I need to get rid of the damn TV in my room, but for some reason I don’t.  It is my fault because I know the answer isn’t in porn and jerking off, but my mind lies to me…and I listened.  I know what I should do, get up, leave, go do something. 

Almost 18 months since I stated porn addiction therapy, I should be fixed by now. One more lie I tell myself.  what other lies do I tell myself? 

Loosing my house again, but I knew it was coming.  Trying to close these deals, but I never do.  Feel like I don’t know my kids still.  Want to be close to God, but never seem to get there.  The fog is back…and if history is any guide, it will be here for about 3 days.  72 hours of fog, in exchange of 15 minutes of escape?  seems like a shitty exchange, but I still give in to it.  In that moment, it seems worth it.  But in the hours after I feel like shit.  No emotions left.  Porn is killing me, killing my spirit.  Almost 4 years since I had sex with a person, I don’t even know how to start anymore.  I am having a pity party…

I just want to be wanted…

Rejection, this might me the cause of all my problems.  I feel rejected so I medicate my feelings of not being good enough by looking at porn.  50 days…longest I have gone in the last 6 months or so.  I can deal with Thanksgiving, and the mess of my family, I can see a woman who is a twin to my x in an AA meeting, just to name a few things and not revert to porn and masturbation, yet I feel rejected and within just a few days of this feeling, I am on-line, looking for…

What I looking for in porn…I am way past just looking for women to look at, I am past watching sex, and God knows I am in no way interested in just pictures or 2 minute mini clips.  I need live action

Strange addiction, I actually get a headache and what makes my head stop hurting is looking at porn.  I know this makes no sense at all, but this is real to me.  This has happened a few times in the last couple years. Now that I am thinking about it I think that the last time I looked at porn and jerked off, I had a headache for almost two days, and I could only make it stop by looking at porn…and if I am looking it is just a matter of time before I jerk off. 

I made a list off things I have to do to stop this.  I made this list 3 months ago and I havent really done anything on this list.  I get 3 weeks or so and I think I can handle this, I can out smart this, I can do this and tell others just how to do it.  My fucked up mind, wanting to be the on that looks good to others without having the real back bone of really doing this work.  My List…Take the TV out of my bedroom, made steps on this today…put my TV on Craigslist for free…come an get it.  And I installed Cybersitter.  I have given in and got a filter again.  I hate filters, it seems like cheating…like being sober from drinking because of the antibutes.  But I am tired of feeling this way, I am tired of this fog that comes over me.  3 days…that what it takes for me to feel like me again after I jerk off to porn.  Not when I do it just once, but when I binge.  I think in the last 36 hours, I have spent 4 hours looking at porn, and jerked off 3 times.  And in my fucked up mind I think to myself, there is still 2 hours until midnight…I can do it again before the day is over and it wont matter. 

I will I could just do it once and stop.  I don’t go into a fog if I just jerk off once in a while.  Or if I jerk off in the shower once in a while.  BUT then my lust comes to life, and I want more and more.  Once I start, I want to do it again, and again.  I guess this is what makes me an addict.  I can’t just do it once.  This is like a AA member wanting to be able to just drink wine with dinner.  Everyone understands that an AA can’t just drink wine with dinner, but the idea of a single man not sleeping around or jerking off?? 

Why do I feel rejected?  The things that happened really were not a rejection of me, but more like shit just happens…But in my mind where ”it’s all about me” I took it as rejection.  I just want to be wanted.

Putting my trust in God

Putting my trust in God.  This has been a crazy two weeks.  Court with the x for contempt charges for being behind on child support, house I live in was sold in foreclosure, My lawyer served my x with papers to get my kids back…God I put my trust in you!  Talk about a bunch of this I can do a 1st step on…I am not in control of any of this.  I am sober though and I feel great.  I am also wanting to escape like a mother fucker.  All kinds of feelings of loose of control, and yet I want to stay sober. 

I have 33 days~ the fist time in months that for 30 days I haven’t got online and looked at porn and masturbated.  I have wanted human touch, because it has been sooooo long, I have flipped through the paper looking at “other” ways to act out on my sexual compulsions, but as of today I havent acted on them. 

I want to have sex, I want to feel the warmth of a female next to my skin…is this bad?  I know that within the SA rules of being sober it is, but what about that?  I have masturbated once in the last 30 days with no porn, and that means according the their rules I am not sober….SAA is starting to look good to me.  I feel dead when I look at porn…I dont feel dead now.  I feel alive, trusting in AA more than SA…work the steps, work the steps.   

The simple fact I am not looking at porn and jerking off with all that I have felt (and wanted not to feel)  this week is awesome for me.  And this I can live with.

This just seems like a plethora of bullshit

Last night I went out with a friend to a local hot spot.  Not really my kind of place, but when you live in the suburbs (he does) the idea of a hot place is different.  I as sat at the table looking around, I felt like such an outsider.  That feeling I get that life is a sitcom, and I can only watch.  Pretty people everyplace, people talking having a good time…the whole thing looks like a beer commercial.  Everything is its place, people laughing, dancing, drinking…and me watching from the outside.  I had a drink last night, first one in a long while…I think it will be a long while again.  I drank, thinking I will loosen up a little and try am mingle. 

Some how I missed that gene.  The gene that make it possible to walk up to a complete stranger and start a conversation of thin air.  I watch from my seat, a women in what I would guess is in her 40’s wearing a wedding ring, hitting on (and being hit on) by a 21 year old.  I watch as there a about 15 guys that just watch the girls dance by walking around the dance floor…no doubt lust addict like me taking a hit from their drug.  If they are like me, what they really want is the one “hot” women in the place to just walk up and say ”lets go fuck in the bathroom now!”  I had this happen to me once…scared the shit out of me, and I didnt go through with it.  What kind of women does that?  What kind of dance of life is this? 

I am lonely, I will be the first to say so.  I would love to meet someone.  But this just seems like a  plethora of bullshit. 

I pray every night fro God to bring someone into my life , someone that can love, and be real.   I am waiting, and waiting on God…maybe I am not ready, but I am sure willing.  3 years is a long time alone…

God is the answer to my problem today…and tomorrow, and the next day…and

Today I fell angry…I woke up at 4:30 this morning, wide awake.  Tired all day.  Coffee all day. 

The women who cut my hair today was a big trigger.   About 40, nice breasts and ass.  Put on my nice guy face, talked small talk, got personal.  My addict mind started to tell me that SHE was the answer to all my problems.  That if I could just fuck her, that all my fear, problems and self hate would go away.  I can still see her tight tee shirt in my head.  I can still see her ass in those jeans.  She needs to be the one who always cuts my hair, in time I can get her!  Then all my problems would be handled.  Fucked up addict thinking.  

I went to AA right after my hair cut.  The topic was faith, and a God of our understanding.  Knowing that only God can fill the whole we addicts feel in our lives.  Went to SA this morning, the topic was God is everything or he is nothing.  But even with all this God talk, my addict wants to forget about the answer and stay in the problem.  A guy at AA said that “When I came in, there was so much problem there was no room for the solution, and after staying, there was more answers and less problems.” 

God I need you, you’re the answer to my problem.  The more I can trust in God, the more God will become trust worthy to me…

Trust in God?

The big book says “Find God or Die.”

How do you, how do I, Find God?  I have been searching for him my whole life.  And in my search, I don’t feel close to him.  I want to, I need to…But he seems to elude me at every turn.  Do I have the wrong idea of God?  What is God, Who is God?  Is he a God that is out to get me at every turn, that how I feel sometimes.  Is he the God of the old testament, a God of wrath…Obey or I kill…It says in the bible he is a jealous God.  Is he the God of the new testament?  A loving God full of grace?  God I hope you’re full of grace or I am screwed.   

Your are the God of the broken, Friend of the weak, you wash the feet of the weary, and embrace the ones in need….as the song goes.  But are you?  Show yourself to me.  Let me walk in your light and presence.  I have but one prayer, take away my loneliness.

“The more I trust in God, the more trust worthy God becomes to me” – someone in an AA meeting

I reject, so that I am not rejected

Here I am at day zero, again. My lust is going to kill me!

I knew I was in trouble for days…though I could white knuckle it to 30 days and hope to get through what I was feeling, maybe get more amends done, surrender to God more…But my addict came out with a vengeance.  I hate saturday without my kids.  This Saturday, like most I was alone, with no plans.  Most of Friday I been surfing my favorite web sites for new videos that had been uploaded.  Looking for something new that could turn me on.  I knew I was in trouble that unless I started making good choices, I was going to end up acting out with myself.  I tried…I went to a SA meeting I dont normally go to at lunch time on friday.  Meet a friend there, and we went to lunch.  We talked about how this sucks, and that we are powerless from the lust we feel during the day.  Went home after that lunch, feeling better, and even stopped my surfing.  Then comes saturday…Alone, Lonely, bored, tired, feeling rejected.  Surfing…surfing…talked to my sponsor, tired to make good choices, but after what seemed like a lifetime in one day of fighting the desire to cum.  I did it once again, gave into my lust, and my compulsive masturbation habit that has caused my all this pain.  Then not only did I go down, I went out with friends from SA, and put them in a place where they would be exposed to lust as well.  I am a selfish bastard.  I can’t fall alone, I have to try and take someone with me.  By time 12:15am hit I had, spent hours looking around downtown, going into a bar that has women dancing on the bar, and taking body shots off each other.  Trying to find any amount of eye contact, to show me there was interest in me.  I ending up masturbating 3 times. 

Porn kills me, I start surfing because I am feeling alone, rejected, not worth anything.  So I surf, masterbate…then after I do, I feel shame AND alone, rejected and not worth anything.  But now I think to myself, who cares I am here, I might as well jerk off as many times as I can before trying to get back on the sobriety wagon.  But the one thing I know is that when i do this, that is when my mind start saying “just end it, know one cares about you, your kids like their step dad more anyway, your insurance will take care of them.”  Oh and I was drinking, and 90% of the time I drink, I act out.  Friday, I drank it was ok, But saturday, I wanted to just get plastered and go to any club and see what happened.  Not that I would take someone home, because i never have… my MO…look, but don’t put myself out there because they might reject me.  I say that then I wonder what happened to me, I didnt used to think like this, I wasn’t this afraid of rejection.  But for the last 3 years I seem to fear rejection more than anything in life. I need to get over this fear, this fear can make me act out, acting out kills my soul.  Porn kills my soul.

I was in a meeting on friday, and someone said they just had a desire to be held.  Man I know this feeling, I haven’t had sex in almost 3 years, but more than that I dont know when the last time I had a meaningful “holding”.  I dont even know if I know how to anymore.  I have felt so rejected,  but the truth is, I reject so that I am not rejected.

Porn kills me.

I need to get over my fear of rejection.  My fear of not ever being able to live up, so why flippin bother.  I have spent my whole life acting like I dont care what anyone thinks of me, but the truth be told I have been crying out my whole “please love me”  ~ “Please dont reject me”

I think that is why my divorce and the 8 years of trying to “work things out” with the X has effected me so much.  All I ever wanted to me was good enough, but when the one person I trusted my life to rejected me, I lost everything.  It was like being told in a loud voice “YOUR NOT GOOD ENOUGH”  and the years of trying to be good enough took a unbelievable toll on who I am.  I would have been better off taking that rejection and just moving on.  But someplace in my broken mind I though if I just try harder she will accept me.  But I could never be good enough, every time I thought I could my addiction would creep up and I would revert back to looking at porn and she would be gone. 

Porn changes me, maybe for some looking at porn doesnt, I dont know.  What I know is that when I look at porn I become someone else.  I become closed off, isolated in my mind.  I think of killing myself.  When I am sober from porn, I become out going and open…even friendly.  When I look at porn, I dont want to talk to people, I become afraid that if they found out what I did in the privacy of my home that they would think I am some kind of freak. 

Porn kills me.

Haunts me

I have become pretty good at understanding that the past is the past and I can’t change it.  In the Big Book page 83 there is a list of promises, “….we will not regret the past or wish to change it…” not sure how that will work, not regretting it, or the wish that I had made better choices is something that eludes me.  I know I can’t change it, I know that today I suffer consequences from choices I made…but not regret those choices? 

I had a conversation with my 17 year old daughter yesterday.  I talked to her about hurts I caused, but I said something that is making me think.  I said my biggest regret is because of choices I made, my X wife now has major resentment towards God and the “church” as a whole…and this is my biggest regret.

Wash Me Clean

Words & Music by Dustin Samuel

All my sins, all my stains, all the guilt and all my shame I give them up, give them to You, wash me clean All my pride, my selfish ways, my lazy heart & all the wasted days I give them up, give them to You, wash me clean

Lord I say that I surrender, but I don’t even know what that means All I know is that You’re the only 1 who can make my life complete Lord I wanna give You everything but I want what I want more Would You come now w/Your mercy, show me how to let that go To give it up, give it to You, wash me clean

All my rights, claims 2 fame, all that’s “fair” & all that hides the pain I give them up, give them to You, wash me clean All my good, my gifts from You, even the very best that I can do I give it up, give it to You, wash me clean

Lord I say that I surrender, but I don’t even know what that means All I know is that You’re the only 1 who can make my life complete Lord I wanna give You everything but I want what I want more Would You come now w/Your mercy, show me how to let that go To give it up, give it to You, wash me clean

Oh, where is it written that I’m entitled to anything? And who seared it into my mind that I deserve what my eyes see Jesus come and break the power of the lies that I’ve believed Father release me from me

http://www.indieheaven.com/artist_main.php?id=66824