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My mind is full of thoughts the last few days.
Last night I was talking to my daughter on the phone. It’s great that her and I have gotten so close since she left for college. She’s 2400 miles away, yet we talk more, and have more meaningful talks, since she moved away. Away, where she can make her own choices about me.
She told me last night that her mom told her over and over again, her and her sister, that I didn’t want them. Hard words to hear. Hard that the women that I loved…the only women that I have loved, would say that. I know that what she means is that since I didn’t want her, then I didn’t them. Wrong! I couldn’t with her, but I always needed my daughters. I couldn’t be… good enough. I tried with all I was, but I couldn’t.
She wanted me promise that I would never again look at porn. I knew I couldn’t promise that. I wanted to, I didn’t want to look at porn anymore… but i couldn’t make that promise. Just like an alcoholic can never promise that they will never drink again… they don’t want too… but they are alcoholic. I am a lust addict.
What kind of women says this to her kids… your father doesn’t want you.
Still I think about her every day of my life. Wishing I could have been good enough.
February 1, 2011 at 8:11 pm
I will be extremely honest and blunt. What your ex wife did is called manipulation. Also, as you I think already know, I am also recovering in slaa. I am a woman and I also remember when, around your daughter’s age, my own father confessed his same disease. Looking back, it was extremely inappropriate. Why? Because my father’s sex life is none of my business. I hope you see how sick your ex is and that no matter what you did in the past, that no healthy individual tells a child, grown or not, that someone, especially the parent, did or does not love them. That is psychological abuse. I hope you look into this.
February 1, 2011 at 8:13 pm
I would also like to add, yes, I am taking a risk and giving unsolicted advice…I would like to say that next time your children tell you something so negative their mother says, that you say…”I am sorry she said that to you.’ this lets her know it’s not ok. good luck
February 3, 2011 at 5:47 am
My x wife “outed” me… i would haven’t had told them. But at this point I just try and be honest when asked questions, but to not give them information they don’t need.
My father confessed his sex addiction to me when I was 15, I know how much it messed me up.
SLAA – I knew you were in a program, I just didnt know what one. I tried SLAA in my city. My sponser wanted me to read the book because of my addcition to my x-wife. Good luck to you.
February 3, 2011 at 6:11 am
Do you have a blog? I would love to read it.
thanks
February 3, 2011 at 5:36 am
Unsolicted advice is alway welcome here… I did say something very much like that. It was just hard to hear.