Archive for lust addict

Numb is what I wanted to feel… so I wouldn’t feel the hurt.

Posted in 101, My X-wife with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on February 3, 2011 by lustaddict

My daughters mean the world to me… and I don’t know if they know it.

I was sitting in my nightly AA meeting tonight listening to people sharing. Normally I get something from the people there, learning from their pain and recovery. Tonight the guy next to me said something that stuck with me… he said for years he thought about how his family had left him, and how it effected him. That he spend years, thinking about his loss, how he looked… then he thought about them. How they must have felt, how they had loss their family, loss their father and loss their security. It hit home.

For the last four years I have been bitching how I got screwed. I always said that I was thinking of them, that I wanted to be part of their lives. But I am not sure if I have ever really thought about how they must feel.

My kids are the real losers in this story of mine. Lose of being able to be kids, to feel safe with family, to know their parents love them more than they love themselves. I need to remember how I felt as a kid with my messed up family, I felt hurt, and not loved. And I felt like they didn’t care. I wonder if my girls feel this way? I wonder if they feel like they are torn between me and their mom.

I want to say crap about my x, to blame her… that she did this! But I can’t blame her. I can’t play the victim. But in the deepest part of me, I play the victim very well. But the real victims are my kids… innocent kids that wanted nothing more than their parent to care more about them, then they cares about themselves.

I never made a choice to put porn over my kids. I did make a choice to not deal with my shit, my past. and by not dealing with my past, I made the choice to put myself in front of my kids… my need to self medicate my pain away. To numb my feelings of the hurt I feel, I also numbed away the dad feelings of putting my kids first. I numbed away the women I loved.

I remember those feelings when I was a kid, that my parents were selfish, and only cared about themselves. That when my sister and I didn’t play along with the perfect family, they just had more kids that didn’t live through the pain. I referred them as the replacement family. Now I love those guys, and am close to them… funny because the sister I went through the hell with hasn’t talked to me in almost a year. I remember feeling that church was more important that I was. That telling their story… to look like God healed them was more important than me. That everything was more important than me. Is this how my girls feel?

Do my girls feel that my recovery is more important than them? Do they feel like I hate their mother? Do they feel like they aren’t worth it? How do I recover, and undo some of the pain I caused them?

Work the steps… stay connected to God. Don’t go back to how life was. No matter how tough it gets, it is way better than it was.

Remember the way it was… the way it is… and they way it will be if I can keep myself humble and teachable and do what I am directed.

Posted in 101, My X-wife with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 1, 2011 by lustaddict

My mind is full of thoughts the last few days.

Last night I was talking to my daughter on the phone. It’s great that her and I have gotten so close since she left for college. She’s 2400 miles away, yet we talk more, and have more meaningful talks, since she moved away. Away, where she can make her own choices about me.

She told me last night that her mom told her over and over again, her and her sister, that I didn’t want them. Hard words to hear. Hard that the women that I loved…the only women that I have loved, would say that. I know that what she means is that since I didn’t want her, then I didn’t them. Wrong! I couldn’t with her, but I always needed my daughters. I couldn’t be… good enough. I tried with all I was, but I couldn’t.

She wanted me promise that I would never again look at porn. I knew I couldn’t promise that. I wanted to, I didn’t want to look at porn anymore… but i couldn’t make that promise. Just like an alcoholic can never promise that they will never drink again… they don’t want too… but they are alcoholic. I am a lust addict.

What kind of women says this to her kids… your father doesn’t want you.

Still I think about her every day of my life. Wishing I could have been good enough.

Is (Was) My Life Unmanagable?

Posted in 101, 1st 30 days, My X-wife with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 30, 2011 by lustaddict

Taken from “Step Into Action 1,2,3″ Page 53

Q. How much time I have spent in sexual obsession?
A. When I was at my worse, I could spend up to 8 hours a day looking at porn, surfing the web and thinking about (any not doing anything about) finding that “perfect” women that was going to “make it all better” to “complete me”

Q. How has my illness affected my home life.
A. I lost my wife, I lost the respect of my daughters.

Q. What other relationships have been damaged by my acting out?
A. I think that in the last 10 years I just stopped making friends, because I was so much in a fog that I couldn’t relate to people.

Q. Has lust interfered with a precious relationship?
A. Yes. my lust destroyed my marriage.

Q. How has this illness affected my education?
A. Not the lust part, but the only I can take of myself part, I never really went to school past high school.

Q. How has this illness affected my work, my career. Could I have ever been fired for something I did at work?
A. It put a big dent in my career, left a great job because of stealing. I would also masturbate in the bathroom and look at porn at my desk.

Q. How has my illness affected my finances?
A. I would spend hours looking at porn when I should have been working… and since i work on commission it affected me a lot. According to my accounting now, I believe that it cost me somewhere in the area of $250,000 in lost business over 5 years.

Q. Did I miss important events so I could act out.
A. I never missed them, but I would leave early to go act out.

Q. How has this illness affect my reputation?
A. I think that when I became honest about what I was doing, it helped my reputation, before I was honest I lived in fear of being found out and having my reputation ruined.

Q. Have i had an unplanned pregnancy or had to pay for an abortion to cover?
A. Not that I know of.

Q. Have I contracted or passed on a STD?
A. Not that I know of, I was accused of giving some one HPV.

Q. Have been arrested, could I have been.
A. No – thank God

Am I Powerless Over My Lust?

Posted in 101, 1st 30 days, My X-wife, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 29, 2011 by lustaddict

Taken from “Step into Action 1,2,3″

Q. Were their time when I was so consumed with lust that I was no longer aware of the world around me or able to think about the choices I was making?
A. Yes, as I got into my 30’s it became harder to separate fact from lust fantasies. I didn’t make decisions that needed to be made not because I didn’t want to, but because I couldn’t. And the decisions I did make were lust based therefore wrong. I blew off bills, I blew off my business to lust.

Q. Did I go to absurd lengths to be with my porn? or relationships?
A. Yes. I would lock my office door and look at porn with my employees right aside my door. I would go to the bathroom and masturbate to images in my head. I would plan to be alone so I could watch porn.

Q. Did I masturbate while driving? Or act out in public places?
A. Yes. I worked for a while over the road, and work masturbate will I drove there. I would masturbate in the bathroom at work.

Q. Did I have sex with persons who meant nothing to me, who I didn’t like.
A. Yes

Q. Did I only notice attractive people in the room?
A. Yes

Q. What I done things I didn’t want to do?
A. Yes

Q. Did I do things that my better nature told me I shouldn’t be doing?
A. Yes- I started looking at hard and harder types of porn.

Q. Did I dress, flirt or manipulate in order to be lusted after?
A. Yes! everyday all the time. $200 pairs of shoes, dressed to the 9’s.

Q. Were there places I couldn’t go without acting out?
A. Strip Clubs

Q. Did I find my self looking in windows?
A. Not windows, but the idea of watching was a turn on for me.

Q. Did I do things that disgusted me? and overwhelmed me with shame?
A. Every week there was at least one thing that caused me to live in shame, a thought, an action.

Q. Did I cross boundaries of behavior that I had set for myself?
A. Yes, I started looking at harder and harder types of porn.

Q. Was it impossible for me to say no?
A. God I tried to, but I always ended up doing it anyway.

Q. What promises did I make my self and others?
A. I would stop. and I always wanted to, but never could.

Q. How many times have I tried to stop and failed…what happened when I failed?
A. Every time I acted out I promised myself that was the last time… and I meant it. When I failed I got the fuck its, and just kept going for the day, saying I would quit tomorrow.

01/28/2011

Posted in 101, My X-wife with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 29, 2011 by lustaddict

Why do I feel like I am always on the outside looking in?

I looked at porn because it made me forget that I felt like I didn’t fit in. I worked hard to have money so i could feel like I fit in. I did drugs as a kid to forget that I didn’t feel like I fit in. I isolate so I don’ t have that feeling that I don’t fit in. I drink so I can try to fit in, then I drink so I don’t have to feel like I don’t fit in.

No matter where I go, I feel like I am an outsider. I am missing the gene that makes me feel a part of. I try, no porn… so no fog… but still I have these feeling. I don’t do drugs any more, but even when I did it didn’t really work. Drinking never really works because I am afraid to let my guard down and let people in, if i am drunk… I let my guard down for a second.

I feel broken.

my perception

Posted in 101, My X-wife with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 23, 2011 by lustaddict

My thoughts tonight are kind of muddled. My daughter was talking to me about her mom and her step dad…saying how cute they are together. I could feel my blood start to boil. Rejection… Not good enough… I am not love-able.

I feel rejection, I tried for so long. Too long. I tried to be good enough…

It’s funny really, feelings, there are hardly based in my reality but in a my perception. I perceived I wasn’t good enough, so then I did things to be sure I wasn’t good enough. I could give some physco babble on why I felt I wasn’t good enough. My mom didn’t hug me enough as a child…My father wasn’t present. I put faith in men to show me how to be a man, and they failed me, and in some cases caused even more damage. All of these things are true. And they helped to form my perception, but that doesn’t change the fact that is still my perception.

Am I not love-able because my parents didn’t know how to love because they were so broken? No, I am love-able. But my default is if someone loves me, my attitude is “Once they get to know me, they will find that I am not love-able” My wrong perception.

It all comes back to me? So does that mean I am letting my X off the hook? Basically agreeing with her thought that it is all my fault? I Dont think so… I played my part, but so did she. But all I can do is work on me, fixing my perceptions.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
JC

Letter to Ted Haggard

Posted in 101, 1st 30 days with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 18, 2011 by lustaddict

I just finished watching a special on TLC on you and your family, and the start of your new church. I have never read any of your books, or your wifes book. While I knew who you were, I didn’t really pay that close of attention.

I remember when I heard the new of you and your struggles I was sitting in a meeting of pastors, about 20 of us sitting around a room about to talk about how better the Church in our city. I can remember thinking to myself… I have been down this road. You see I am the eldest son of a man who has fallen not once but twice in the church to “same sex” affairs. My heart when straight out to your kids. Knowing the struggles that I have had to deal with because of my fathers choices, but more on that later.

As I sat in that room of pastors, I remember thinking many times, if any of these “great men of God” had any idea of the things I do, have done and in some cases want to do, I would be marched right out of the room. I am not a pastor, I served as a “Youth Director” on staff at a small church in my early 20’s, I only mention this because I now go to great lengths to be sure I am being honest, and since it was a room of pastors…

I am not really sure why I am writing to you, but after watching the story, I have been compelled to. So maybe there is something you need to hear, maybe there is just something I need to get out, I don’t know, but I am simply doing what I feel I should be doing right now.

When I was 15, my parents sat my an my little sister down at our dinning room table to have a talk. The year was 1985. The last 3 years of our life had been hell. Our parents had moved us from the suburbs, to the “hood”. First summer we lived there, there was a riot in the nieghborhood… men running through the yard with weapons, police with guns pulled. We had started to go to this church I hated, in the same “hood”. I don’t remember much other than going to church 3 to 4 times a week, and when we weren’t at church, my parents where at church meeting with the pastors. That summer day I found I why. We sat around the dinning table, my father started talking, I don’t remember all that was said, but the words that will hanted me for years after were simple. “I was having homosexual affairs, and your mom and I are about to go public and give our testimony to the church”

He later moved on to travel the country telling his story about how God had “healed” him from his sin. During the amendment 2 times back in the early 90’s he went on radio and was quoted in the paper. At 15, I was pulled into a life, a story that wasn’t mine, I didn’t want, and felt like what kind of god can “heal” him, yet drag me through this. I don’t want to pretend I know what is was like for your family, with the national media gunning for you. I think what might make it a little closer, is that I am a Jr, now if I had been smart, I would have started going by my middle name, but I wasn’t that smart. In my simple teenage mind, the world saw us as one.

They say that our view of God is formed by our view of our fathers. At 15, I had what could only be expressed as one screwed up view of God, that lasted. I had this view of my father that he was for everyone but me. They would go talk, council others, teach bible studys. He was asked to be a deacon, then an elder. He over saw newer pastors the church hired, serving as a mentor. I have no doubt that I wasn’t easy to father once he told me his story, but I felt like he didn’t even really bother since all these other people thought he had such wisdom. He and my mother also had 3 more kids. Between the additions to the family, and the people who know wanted him to tell his story of redemption, I felt like I was cast aside. So my view of God was “I am not good enough for God to care about, that when it comes right down to it, He will replace me… I am not good enough, I am expendable to God.” As I read what I wrote, I can even see how I carried that over to my marriage, in that I though the same of my now X wife.

I would have to say that this view, almost a life view that I falsely had, affected every major part of my life.

Judas is my favorite

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2011 by lustaddict

Judas, the man who sold Jesus to the high priests for 30 prices of Gold. Judas, the man who committed suicide alone and ashamed. I am not s scholar, not going to pretend that I am, but I have to say Judas is my favorite of Jesus’s disciples.

If Jesus was God, and God knows all… then He had to know. Jesus had to know that Peter would deny Him three times. Jesus had to know that Thomas would doubt that He had rose from the died. He had to know that all but John would hide out while he was dying on the cross. Jesus had to know, yet He still picked them as part of His inter circle.

Why would he have picked any of these men? Ok, maybe John. But why the other eleven? If I were going to put together a group of men to surround myself with, I would never pick these guys. I would never have picked a guy that would sell me out. I want people around me that will always get my back! Guys that when the going get rough they come up and support me. I don’t want to surround myself with people I can’t trust my life with.

Jesus, being God, knew that Judas would sell him out, yet he still wanted him by his side for three years. Judas didn’t have a lesser role of the twelve. He was 100% part of the twelve and had 100% of the same training as the other eleven. He was sent out to cast out demons, he sat at Jesus’s feet as Jesus taught. He was there for all the miracles. Judas pass out bread and fishes at the sermon on the mount.

Being human, if I have a friend that I just have feeling is not with me, I treat him different. I would start by pushing him to the outside of the circle, and that is just if I THINK he is going to turn on me. Yet Jesus knew Judas would, and He trusted him with the groups money?

God is all knowing, he knew this story would end up in the bible. He Knew that Judas would be demonized by the Church for 2000 years. God knew that when we wanted to describe someone who turned against us we would call him a “Judas”. He knew that we would name our kids after the other eleven, but never would we name our sons Judas.

“little Judas, come inside before it get dark outside”

“Judas be nice to your little sister, she depends on you to protect her!”

I am Judas. I am the guy that during my life I have sold out God for some Gold. I have sold out God because it was easier to keep my mouth shut. I have been taken into the inter circle and then made my way out. I have sold out God to fit in…like Judas selling out to the priests. I have been ashamed by choices I have made. I have felt alone because of these choices. I have, I do.

Judas at the end of the story goes back to the priests saying “I have sinned” and they sent him away basically saying that was his problem, in despair he killed himself in a field outside the city showing everyone just how sorry he was for the choice he made. In the end Judas “repented”. Just a guess, but I would assume that there were a bunch of people who heard what he had done and that he then killed himself because of it… and they had to wonder about what had just happened in their city.

Jesus chose Judas anyway. Gives me cause to think. Jesus picks me. He knows I am going to fail. He knew that there were times I would turn my back on him. He knows that I will fail more in the future… and he still choses me.

God

Posted in 101, 1st 30 days, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2011 by lustaddict

Jan 6th 2011

At my AA meeting today the topic was God…A higher power. The oh so great “Power Greater than Myself”. When I am in my additions, my higher power simple put is me. There is not someone or something larger than me. I am God. I can’t see past my own desires, and needs… It is all me.

I have come to believe that when a topic is being talked about in a 12 step meeting, I need to hear it. So God is my thought for the night. God of my youth? God of me? A higher power? What does a higher power mean to me?

I had thought a few months ago that I was on the right track with my God. But after 2 months of drinking, not sleeping, and looking at porn I have to re visit. I drink, to fit in… I don’t want to be the weird guy not drinking! I drink because I am board. Because I don’t want to be alone, so I go out. I drink…but never get drunk in public, Lord knows that if I were to get drunk I might let down my guard and someone might see the real me. If I drink to get drunk, I do it alone. But I could never just buy a bottle and drink alone, unless I have been out drinking with friends… then it hits me. I like the way I feel. I like that my thoughts have been slowed, then stopped. I like that I sleep. THEN and only then will I buy a bottle and drink at home. Drink at home in the comfort of my own home, where I don’t have to worry about someone seeing my faults. Can’t see the real me. Then I am alone….Isolated from life.

Isolated, alone, and with the computer. I slowly start surfing. Then I drink of the images of porn. The porn is what I really want. I want to find that perfect image. She doesn’t reject me, the images accept.

So what does all this have to do with God? If I am trusting in God, I am ok with me. If I am trusting in God I ok with his creation. His creation is me. If am ok with me. When I trust in God – I am whole.
JC

Posted in 101, 1st 30 days, My X-wife, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2011 by lustaddict

Jan 4th, 2011

It seems like yesterday my X-wife and I were talking about being sure we had supplies in case… Y2k was coming… The world as we knew it was about to end. Preachers taking about the end of the world. “The computer have a massive mistake and won’t know what to do after 1999″. But instead of going through the new year together, we separated in July 1999. I spend that new year, and what seems like almost every new year since alone. I can remember sitting on our white-flowered couch watching the new millennium ball in NY drop. Alone wishing I knew how to win her back. Then two years ago on New Years eve she got remarried.

I spent the next ten years trying to win her back. I look back at this time in my life and I know I was trying to do what was right. I did it because I loved her, I did it because “God hates divorce” I did it for my kids. All good intentions, but not for 10 years. I look back at this time as being a crazy co-dependent time for both of us. What kind of man after being divorced by his wife, spends the next 10 years trying to be good enough for her to come back? What kind of woman for ten years trys to work out a marriage when she divorced him? Two very broken hurt people.

In the grand scheme of things, when it just couldn’t be fixed, I took the blame. I am a lust addict. I couldn’t stop looking at porn. I tried, but I just did it anyway. In the eyes of the woman I love, I made a choice, porn over her. God I wish the choice had been that simple. I would have chosen her over porn every time.

I was in a 12 step meeting the other night and the question was asked. The question everyone with a porn addiction has had to hear. “How is porn addiction a disease and not a moral issue?” I don’t remember what I said during that meeting, but I do know what my conversations over the last few nights have been about. This is what I know. I am a moral person. Most people I know in the 12 step programs are some of the most moral people I know. People that see that there is something wrong in their lives and are trying to do something about it.

I was looking online at a meditation stuff the other night, and I saw a meditation for people with OCD. As I read the description, and then I googled OCD, I sat there in awe reading the description. compulsively doing something that is not wanted. Sounds like my days of porn to me. Hours of looking at it, then swearing that I will never look at again. Only to do it again a few days or sometimes hours later. Praying every night that God would take this away, and everyday feeling like I need to look again. I am not saying porn addicts are OCD, I am not saying I am. What I am saying is if someone is washing his hands every 10 minutes, walking the same exact route to his car, ect. I am guessing that when it comes down to it, they want to stop but just can’t. But they get the OCD label. But a porn addict is some kind of In moral person in the worlds eyes.

If I were to be able to make a choice about porn on my own, if porn addiction was a simple moral issue, I made that choice long ago. Making that choice didn’t take away the compulsion I had to not feel. Porn quite simply stated let me not feel the uncomfortable feeling I have of being me. I have had to learn to feel. To feel feelings. To face my fears. All without porn to numb me.

New Years now. Now instead of that feeling of a fresh start every Dec 31st I have had a reminder that she is celebrating her new marriage. For her sake I hope she makes this one work… nothing like a day that is suppose be a fresh start be a reminder of what didn’t work out. Maybe in the long haul of life, and the simple fact that by Jan 2, 90% of new year resolutions are broken I am lucky. Twelve step programs tell me to live one day at a time, it shouldn’t matter that it’s a new year since I can’t control the future…or change the past.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.