My daughters mean the world to me… and I don’t know if they know it.
I was sitting in my nightly AA meeting tonight listening to people sharing. Normally I get something from the people there, learning from their pain and recovery. Tonight the guy next to me said something that stuck with me… he said for years he thought about how his family had left him, and how it effected him. That he spend years, thinking about his loss, how he looked… then he thought about them. How they must have felt, how they had loss their family, loss their father and loss their security. It hit home.
For the last four years I have been bitching how I got screwed. I always said that I was thinking of them, that I wanted to be part of their lives. But I am not sure if I have ever really thought about how they must feel.
My kids are the real losers in this story of mine. Lose of being able to be kids, to feel safe with family, to know their parents love them more than they love themselves. I need to remember how I felt as a kid with my messed up family, I felt hurt, and not loved. And I felt like they didn’t care. I wonder if my girls feel this way? I wonder if they feel like they are torn between me and their mom.
I want to say crap about my x, to blame her… that she did this! But I can’t blame her. I can’t play the victim. But in the deepest part of me, I play the victim very well. But the real victims are my kids… innocent kids that wanted nothing more than their parent to care more about them, then they cares about themselves.
I never made a choice to put porn over my kids. I did make a choice to not deal with my shit, my past. and by not dealing with my past, I made the choice to put myself in front of my kids… my need to self medicate my pain away. To numb my feelings of the hurt I feel, I also numbed away the dad feelings of putting my kids first. I numbed away the women I loved.
I remember those feelings when I was a kid, that my parents were selfish, and only cared about themselves. That when my sister and I didn’t play along with the perfect family, they just had more kids that didn’t live through the pain. I referred them as the replacement family. Now I love those guys, and am close to them… funny because the sister I went through the hell with hasn’t talked to me in almost a year. I remember feeling that church was more important that I was. That telling their story… to look like God healed them was more important than me. That everything was more important than me. Is this how my girls feel?
Do my girls feel that my recovery is more important than them? Do they feel like I hate their mother? Do they feel like they aren’t worth it? How do I recover, and undo some of the pain I caused them?
Work the steps… stay connected to God. Don’t go back to how life was. No matter how tough it gets, it is way better than it was.
Remember the way it was… the way it is… and they way it will be if I can keep myself humble and teachable and do what I am directed.